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Behind Every Goodbye: The People Who Help Make It Happen
When we think about a funeral, we naturally think about the person who has died and the family and friends coming together to say goodbye. What we perhaps don't always see is just how many people are quietly working behind the scenes to make that day happen.
A funeral service may last less than an hour and a wake perhaps a couple of hours afterwards, but getting to that point can involve days of conversations, phone calls, decisions and coordination.
Dates need to be agreed. Family members may need to travel. The crematorium needs to be available. A funeral director, celebrant or minister may need to be involved. There are decisions about flowers, music and readings. Then there is the wake: where to hold it, how many people might attend, what food to provide and how everyone will be accommodated.
And all of this is being organised at a time when a family is grieving. For somebody who has never arranged a funeral before, it can understandably feel overwhelming.
One thing we have learned from being next door to Maple Park Crematorium and hosting so many funeral teas at Maple Park Café is this:
You don't have to know how to do all of this yourself.
There is a whole network of experienced people around you who can help.
The people behind the crematorium
We work closely with the team at Maple Park Crematorium and North Yorkshire Council, including Jay and Pippa within the management team. From the outside, a cremation service can look like one booking in a diary. Behind the scenes, there can be considerably more coordination.
The crematorium team, funeral directors, families and ourselves may all be working around the same timings. A change somewhere in that chain can have an impact elsewhere, so good communication really matters.
Our location gives us a slightly unusual perspective because we see families immediately before and after services. We also regularly communicate with funeral directors and the crematorium team while arrangements are being made.
Although each organisation and business has a different role, ultimately everyone is working towards the same thing: making a difficult day run as smoothly as possible for the family.
Funeral directors: often holding everything together
Funeral directors have an extraordinarily important role.
They're arranging the practical elements of the funeral, but the best funeral directors do far more than coordinate times and transport.
They are dealing with people at one of the most difficult moments of their lives.
We are fortunate to work with some excellent funeral directors from across North Yorkshire, including Lowleys, Bedale & District Funeral Service, Sanderson & Co, Barthram Funeral Service, Hill Brothers, H C Townsend & Son, J G Fielder & Son and Adam Collier Funeral Services.
We see first-hand the relationships these businesses build with families.
In our experience, some of the independent funeral directors we work alongside are particularly good at providing a very personal, flexible and holistic service. They get to know the family, understand what they are trying to achieve and often help them navigate far more than simply the formal arrangements for the funeral.
That personal relationship can be incredibly valuable.
Choosing a funeral director is, of course, an individual decision. The important thing is finding someone you trust, feel comfortable talking to and who understands the type of goodbye you would like to create.
There isn't a single correct way to organise a funeral, and a good funeral director understands that.
Celebrants: so much more than conducting the ceremony
Celebrants are another group of people whose role can sometimes be underestimated.
A good celebrant doesn't simply arrive at the crematorium on the day and read a service.
They sit with families. They listen. They ask questions. They help people remember stories and moments which might otherwise become lost amongst everything else that is happening.
They can also help families work out what they actually want the service to feel like.
Traditional? Informal? Reflective? Funny in places? A real celebration of someone's life?
We've had the pleasure of working with some brilliant celebrants.
Pauline Garnett, Celebrant in the Dales, is someone we know well and who brings enormous warmth and experience to the families she works with.
We've also worked with Nichola Reeder of Rebel Heart Ceremonies, who has a refreshingly open approach to conversations surrounding death, dying and funerals.
A podcast worth listening to
One resource I would genuinely recommend is Nichola's podcast, Over My Dead Poddy.
It lifts the lid on death, dying and funerals, tackling common funeral myths as well as the practical realities of what happens when somebody dies. It manages to be informative and honest without making what can be a difficult subject feel intimidating.
For someone suddenly faced with arranging a funeral, simply understanding some of the terminology and logistics can make the whole process feel a little less daunting.
And there is certainly no need to wait until somebody dies before having these conversations.
Then comes the wake
This is the part of the process that we know particularly well.
One question we are asked more than almost any other is:
“How many people should we cater for?”
Unfortunately, nobody has a crystal ball.
Families will normally have an idea of approximately how many people are likely to attend the funeral, but until the day itself it can be difficult to know exactly who will come.
At Maple Park, we generally suggest catering for around 90% of the expected number of guests.
That isn't necessarily a rule that would work for every wake venue. It is based specifically on our experience and our location immediately next to Maple Park Crematorium.
Because people simply walk across from the crematorium to the café, we tend to see virtually everyone attending the service come through our doors. In our experience, around 90% will then stay for refreshments.
Having a reasonable ballpark figure is important for another reason too.
Guest numbers don't just determine how many sandwiches we make.
They can determine which room we use, how the tables are arranged, the seating plan, staffing levels and whether additional areas of the café are required.
Families don't need to know an exact number immediately. We understand that often isn't possible. But giving us the best estimate you can allows us to plan the room properly and make sure everyone is comfortable.
How long do we have?
We guarantee every family a minimum of two hours and fifteen minutes with us for their wake.
For most families, that provides plenty of time to have something to eat and drink, talk, catch up with people they may not have seen for years and simply spend some time together following the service.
If more time is needed, that can also be arranged.
Again, there is no standard formula.
Some wakes naturally draw to a close after an hour or two. Others become a much longer opportunity for family and friends to reconnect.
Both are absolutely fine.
Can we make the wake personal?
Absolutely, in fact, some of the most memorable wakes we have hosted have been the ones where families have brought something very simple and personal into the room.
We've had photographs.
We've had football shirts.
We've had walking boots belonging to someone who loved being outdoors.
We've had someone's favourite tipple.
We've even had chocolate-covered Brazil nuts because they happened to be a particular favourite.
These things don't have to be elaborate or expensive.
Sometimes the smallest detail tells you far more about a person than an elaborate display ever could.
One particularly beautiful example was an unfinished jigsaw.
The person who had died hadn't completed it, so the family brought it to the wake and placed it on one of the tables.
Throughout the wake, friends and relatives sat down and added pieces.
There was something incredibly poignant about watching different people quietly contribute towards finishing something that person had started.
It is one of those moments that has stayed with us.
And it perfectly illustrates something we regularly tell families:
There is no right or wrong way to hold a wake.
If something is important or meaningful to you, ask.
What happens when Maple Park isn't available?
Of course, we would love to accommodate every family who wants to come to Maple Park Café.
Sometimes we simply can't.
Another family may already have booked the space, the numbers may not work, or what somebody wants might be better suited to another venue.
During my university studies, I came across a business concept called coopetition.
Put simply, it is the idea that businesses can compete with one another while also cooperating.
The more I've thought about it, the more I realise that good local businesses have probably been doing this for generations without necessarily giving it a name.
If we can't accommodate somebody, I don't think the most helpful response is simply:
"Sorry, we're full."
If we know somewhere else that can provide a good service, why wouldn't we recommend them?
For example, we are more than happy to recommend The Angel at Topcliffe because we know they offer an excellent service.
There are also good pubs, hotels, town and village halls, cricket clubs, working men's clubs and other venues throughout the area that may be able to provide families with somewhere appropriate to gather.
Technically, some of these businesses are our competitors. But at that moment, that really doesn't matter. A family trying to organise a funeral doesn't need to worry about the competitive relationship between two hospitality businesses.
They simply need somebody to help.
For me, the wider principle is much more important:
Good local businesses supporting other good local businesses creates a stronger business community — and a stronger business community is better able to support the wider community.
That is becoming an increasingly important theme for us at Maple Park Café.
Community isn't just about the people who walk through your own door.
Sometimes it means pointing somebody towards another door because you genuinely believe they will be looked after there.
Making decisions while grieving
There is another part of funeral planning that should never be overlooked.
All of this administration is happening while somebody is grieving.
A family can suddenly find themselves answering question after question.
What day should we have the funeral?
What time?
Who should conduct it?
Who needs to be told?
How many people will come?
Should we have flowers?
Which songs should we choose?
Does somebody want to speak?
Where will we go afterwards?
What food should we have?
How many should we cater for?
Individually, they may seem like perfectly ordinary questions. Taken together, they can become an enormous logistical exercise. Some people naturally throw themselves into organising everything. Others find even relatively simple decisions difficult.
There is no correct response to grief.
And the professional help surrounding a funeral isn't the only support available.
Somewhere to turn for help
Cruse Bereavement Support provides support for people who are grieving, including a bereavement helpline and local support services.
Sue Ryder's Grief Support provides free-to-access grief information and support, including online resources, support groups and its Online Bereavement Community.
There is also a very useful GOV.UK step-by-step guide to what to do when someone dies, covering practical matters including registering a death, telling government departments and arranging the funeral.
These organisations won't make grief disappear, but knowing where to find reliable information or somebody to talk to can remove at least some of the uncertainty surrounding what happens next.
Asking for help doesn't mean handing control of the funeral to somebody else.
Sometimes it simply means allowing an experienced person to take care of one part of the process so that you have one less thing to think about.
There really is no right way to say goodbye
Perhaps the biggest thing we have learned from hosting funeral teas is just how different every family is.
Some people want a very traditional funeral.
Others want something that feels much more like a celebration of life.
Some families want a large buffet with a room full of people.
Others want a small table, a few close relatives and a pot of tea.
Some want flowers.
Some want football shirts.
Some want photographs everywhere.
Some want favourite songs and lots of laughter.
Some want quiet.
Some want a glass of someone's favourite drink.
And sometimes there is an unfinished jigsaw sitting on a table, waiting for friends and family to add another piece.
None of those choices is more correct than another.
A funeral and wake shouldn't be about reproducing somebody else's idea of what a goodbye is supposed to look like.
It should feel right for the person who has died and the people who loved them.
And although it can sometimes feel as though one family is having to organise everything alone, the reality is very different.
Behind that family there can be funeral directors, crematorium and council teams, celebrants, florists, caterers, venues and countless other people quietly making phone calls, moving diaries, preparing rooms and solving problems.
Most of those people will never all be in the same room together.
But for a few days, they are part of the same team.
Because when somebody needs to say goodbye, sometimes it really does take a community.
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